Searching

The heart is deceitful above all things,

and desperately sick;

who can understand it?

10  iI the LORD search the heart

jand test the mind,2

kto give every man according to his ways,

according to the fruit of his deeds.

 

Who can understand it? How often do we try to understand it? For myself, this seems to have become a daily occurrence. A daily searching of trying to understand the things in my heart. Of course we are not speaking of the heart muscle hear, the blood pumping muscle that keeps us running, yet the heart soul, the inner-self, soul bound, mindset and emotion controlling portion…   doing the “heart work”. In the mornings, usually during or directly after prayer and then in the evening as my eyes close and i attempt to find the deep rest of sleep the heart searching comes.     Full transparency? Yes most that know me would acknowledge over the last 7 – 8 years, the pages of this book are open for the reading… what do i find in my heart?

  • Trust
  • Torment/Turbulence
  • Passion
  • Pursuit/Purpose
  • Position
  • Control
  • Conviction
  • Longing

Trust – I know it’s in there. This is the unchanging strength that a believer has over the world. That truly, no matter what, regardless of EVERYTHING that is happening around us. I rest in His hands and will. I wake and sleep in the assurance of the day of FULLNESS that will come when i leave this earth and live with the King. Trust may be automatic for some but it has definitely not been so for me.. this has been a building process and each day i live it grows stronger and more fervent.. trust in the One. The Great I Am.

Torment/Turbulence – I admit some days are harder than others. This torment is hard to describe but i’ll try… it’s an uneasy, wishing of change, wanting of some thing.. not so much items, or power, or coveting but a wanting type of desire of BETTER… better living on my part or better decision making or better words at the better time… you know it’s just that constant flesh reminder that i ain’t all that and it’s gonna take continued molding to get this guy in line.. .and that annoys me.. to the point of turbulence…

Passion – I blame this one on God, I believe mostly from my conversion to Christianity something (Spirit Filled) came over me, into me, and stuck. I mean I get fired up man. Not just about faith, worship, and heir-ship to the King, but about all sorts of stuff. I get fired up about hard work, about conquering addiction, pouring a great slab of concrete.. heck even making someone smile.. I get fired up with passion to a point of tears at times.. i mean really fired up… sometimes, often actually, those close to me suggest I tone it down a couple notches… but I know, I get it, but maybe that is Him doing amazing work in me? Maybe the Spirit just wants a guy or two out there to outshine, outlast, and amaze every so often … What fires you up?

Pursuit/Purpose – In my heart there is the ever flowing feeling of pursuit. It flows many ways… God pursuing me.. i can feel that.. myself pursuing others, my wife, my children, myself pursuing mission and purpose.. what we’re here for .. why we are who we are…   Pursuit of provision for my family and household, and the pursuit of giving and generosity.. I feel that life would be given up on when pursuit disappears.. we need it.. whether we are hitting goals or not, pursuit and purpose go together and drive men to more.. more LIFE… more JOY… (in Christ) pursuit and passion will ultimately lead to holiness.. (again .. in Christ) … Can you handle that? Can you accept that God expects you to be holy as He is holy? (key here is “in Christ)

Position – My heart is “Positioned” in holiness through Christ.. I cannot change it, ignore it, alter it… After my confession of faith God calls me His heir, brother to Christ, lover of life and full of the Spirit. My position is eternity living with the HOLY KING. Pursuit and passion and emotions and circumstances may ALL CHANGE… but my POSITION remains the same. (In Christ)

Control – With heart control i search this two ways.. self control and what controls me.. thankfully the self control has improved in Christ, which was NOT always the case for me.. there were many years that i wasted through indulgence and loss of self control that destroyed relationships, ruined lives, and damaged so many people that i still, today, try to amend… However, SELF CONTROL (in Christ) holds so much value.. eating, exercise, work, words of my mouth, actions, habits.. it’s all self control. Spending, loving, learning, time management, having fun.. all needing to be allocated and portioned into reasonable and realistic amounts to leave room for rest and peace. It’s a practice and we have to work at it..    What Controls me? – The Spirit of God… full surrender to Him is the only option for me.. all of the other ways I have tried to live ended in failure and devastation.

Conviction – Repentance and confession are a constant in my life. Are there days i feel amazing and awesome.. yes. are there days i feel separated and distant from the Lord and fearful of His Wrath.. yes. Conviction, that is why we get it from the Spirit.. His conviction over us in our hearts is a blessing. It keeps the reigns proper. It helps the passion filled crazy guy from jumping off the ledge… it promotes self control .. it feeds generosity and grace… listen to the conviction in your heart and act on it…

Longing – ah the one that hurts… longing for relationships.. longing for repair, longing for the Kingdom, longing for loved ones that have left us.. longing means you are LOVE CAPABLE… longing makes it all real… longing lives LIFE! Longing is truly to be filled by GOD but i am quite sure he leaves longing in our hearts to drive and push us to more Christ-likeness… to never stop, to keep going, keep waking, keep trying… Keep searching..

10  iI the LORD search the heart

jand test the mind,2

kto give every man according to his ways,

according to the fruit of his deeds.

Father, let me have what you are giving according to the FRUITS of my DEEDS… let me see the items in my heart that you need me to understand and shield me from the desire to wish i knew all my own secrets.. take the heart i have God and mold it into yourself in every way, every moment.. capture my life each morning when i hit the ground Lord and conquer me. Give me your testing yet be patient with my insecurities, rid me of my doubt and self accomplishments, and fill me with your will.   We are yours Father… help us to search our hearts daily and to be ready for the revealed answers as you uncover them.

Amen

Capture

 

 

 

Author: Brenden Kurtz

Kingdom now. A Life interrupted by the Great I am. Project love unto others, both known and unknown, & to elevate one's attitude and aptitude. www.barnabasman.com

One thought on “Searching”

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